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Sizzle & DazzleAugust 01 说说最近吧 刚刚上去我的“官方”博客，以为blogbus被和谐了，后来才发现是站内维修，虚惊一场，掉了一地的汗水。
回来的时候走得很急，都快8点多了，忽地看到路边石柱上坐着一个人，就这样坐着，乘凉吧，应该是。悠闲得出奇，让我艳羡。然后低头望了望自己疾速的步伐，身体好像上了链条，停不下来了。我想啥时候，自己也能像那个闲人一样，在街头呆呆地坐上大半天，当然是在天气不那么热的情况下了，对了，最好是在欧洲街头。（突然想起了现正身处德国的刘同学，不知她又艳遇没？）因为人有时活得太累，需要把某些自赋的所谓“意义”清空一下，这样继续上路才会有更多的劲头。
其实有时我很恨我自己，身体里面的一个我跳出来骂另外一个我，精神分裂地很。对待某些人我是一种状态，对待另一些人我又是另一种感觉，说那是装的吧，我自己又不想承认，明明都是自己，但却互相怨恨，互相看不顺眼。
看吧，这就是双子座的人。恶心得要死。
我不想再谈关于自我的话题，以前我在小博上说过，还贩卖一下自己的“地壳理论”。
说滥了的东西我是懒得说的。于我都纯属废话。我是那种不甘于吃老本的人，总被人揪着同一个优点说半天我真的会恶心的。
最近有点累，压力吧。照理说实习也没谁会在意你，你就只是一个实习生，但自己非要拿自己怎样怎样，搞到整个人绷得要紧。机体里一天到晚都装满了那些活着的“意义”。存在主义者都说了，这个世界本没有什么意义，那都是人类自己强加的。所以我们才会郁闷，才会焦虑，才会一天到晚叫天叫地。
最近爱上了张悬，常常有意无意地哼起她的歌。很欣赏她diao diao的样子，干净的声音和拽拽的个性，觉得特别...特别什么呢？对！青春。是啊，青春。青春真好。蚊子总是抱怨搭车去报社那一个多小时太浪费时间，但我却很享受这段间隙。那是我整个人思想漂浮的一段时间，啥都不想，啥都不想去想，就是看人、看景、看自己，触摸自己的存在。
有些东西太琐碎了，不想往我官方的地盘上贴，于是就撒在这里了。 July 28 When distrust prevails 在朋友、家人身上，我见证了太多互相以谎言相瞒的故事。其实表面上都是一些无伤大雅的white lies，一些自以为对对方都好的堂而皇之的理由，但到头来，这些white lies越堆越高，最后crumble，无疑为感情的瓦解破裂埋下了炸弹。
——你为什么要骗我？
——因为我怕你多疑，怕你多想，怕你担心。
——闭嘴！我无法忍受你欺骗我的事实！
——相信我，我都是为了你好！
看，一段多么错位而无谓的争吵！
这种不信任的气息是如此浓厚，如此普遍，以至于我一度怀疑，信任本身是否生就了一副陌生的模样，人与人之间绝对的信任是否根本没有存在过。小处看是个体之间的不信任，放大了即是每一个脆弱的个体对整个政府、威权的不信任。中国社会里一直氤氲着这种不信任的味道，于是真相成了腐烂在土里的根。
November 23 对孩子的一点希望现在你们听到的背景音乐是Single Gun Theory，一个天音乐队的“Motherland”。一首我和我妈妈都很喜欢的歌曲，曾经在我的blog上面推荐过的。 喜欢的原因很简单，因为里面有一段唢呐的采样。在英文歌里面听见很中国的曲调，那种感觉妙不可言。 我想说的一点是，我希望我以后的孩子能够尽可能多学中国知识，学学自己国家的东西，不要迷失于一片洋文洋语洋文化的混乱之中。 虽然有点言之过早了，或者是…算一下先…5、6年以后的事情，但我还是很执著地希望着。 只有了解自己的文化，了解自己的背景，他才能有资本去评判，去颠覆，去维护。他绝对不会愚忠，也不会随便愤世，因为他胸中藏有一切的认识。 这其实是我个人的一点遗憾。自己是学历史的，语文也不错，但总觉得不够，不扎实。父母嘛，总是这样，希望在下一辈人的身上看到自己的影子。 有一次乘车出去看到一位母亲在没有到站的时候就要求先下车，抱着自己的宝宝当街撒尿，扯开小裤裆就撒。其实这种瞬间随街可见，但我还是觉得很困惑。万一以后我的宝宝当街尿急了怎么办？ 我不希望像那位母亲一样，让孩子随街大小便。我觉得这种习惯对于一个孩子的一生是有影响的，他们长大后不知羞耻地不懂礼貌。老实说，我相信中国人在外旅游的种种“恶行”与中国孩子的培养方式有很大关系。 所以每次想到孩子我都会感觉到沉重。对于我自己的成长而言，我会慢慢知道母亲打我是因为爱我，但我的孩子能不能给予这样的体谅和理解？我不清楚。每个人的成长轨迹都不一样，我真的很难预测自己孩子究竟会在不知不觉中爬上那一条道。我对孩子唯一一个希望就是，童年不要有遗憾，快乐、健康地成长。其他的一切，什么拿好成绩啊，有一技之长啊，在相比之下，都不那么重要了。 P.S:昨天休息了一天，感觉很棒。哪儿也没有去，五分之四的时间都在床上，剩下的五分之一在电视前。不用脑地活着，放任自己的懒神经。一想到过几天将是我最后一个周末了，然后就突然神伤。还是有点舍不得吧！北京冷了，过几天可能也要下雪了，我想我要彻底走不动了，然后蜗居在自己的被窝里，哼哼哼哼地度浮生半日。今天是感恩节，好吧，我绝对把我的一句Thank you献给...北京！Yeah! Download---Single Gun Theory http://club.xialala.com/wmax/Single%20Gun%20Theory%20-%20Motherland.WMA October 27 那些撵不走也挥不去的东西很恼人的是，昨晚切蒜头时残余的味道还沾在指尖上。跟这些味道陪睡了一晚。一个冷颤。而上一次，是比他们好不了多少的洋葱，顽强地趴在我的睡衣上。
有些东西是洗一次洗两次都洗不掉的，例如蒜头和洋葱的味道。他们的固执也反映了他们的脆弱——因为一旦甩掉就会面临着被遗忘的现实。
其实有些感觉，有些记忆也是一样。想尝试忘记，却怎么也清扫不走。恼人地没办法。
我记得自己在高中时和一个好朋友谈到自己认定为缘的东西，我还记得自己的固执，固执地认为那一定是这样，但其实在外人看来，这种认定很可笑，也很难以理解。我以为他和她是perfect match，然后举出一大堆证据，一大堆叫做“缘分”的证据，到头来那只是一种凭空捏造。过了几年，回想起那个幼稚的自己，还是禁不住耻笑当初。
但可怕的是，幼稚是一种具有轮回属性的特质。多年之后我还是会幼稚，用现在自以为成长了的“我”来覆踏当初那些被耻笑的一切。
October 26 random thoughts我记得有个爱情故事讲的是一场没有结果的单恋。一个女生将自己MSN Space的使用权限设定为自己喜欢的一个男孩，每次只有他才能看得到她更新的Space。但是她每天都失望地发现访客量是0，一直停留在0这个数字上。他不知道她喜欢她，不想知道，或是不屑知道。她用一种看似不追求回报的手段在张贴自己的心迹，但问题是，他不是个有心人。对，她就是在对牛弹琴。 我记得当时看完这个故事之后的我心忽地颤了一下，舔到一份甜蜜的辛酸。然后一个闪念，为什么我想不到这种单恋方式呢？开玩笑啦！我实在不想谈单恋这个话题，因为它陈旧而私密。上次跟yy聊天，她说一般跟中国男生分手之后两方就似乎只有恨了，很难再做成朋友。但外国男生不一样。确实也是。同理，在你单恋时如果向一个中国男生表白了，一般结果是你们俩连沟通的机会都被剥夺了。当然，外国男生在这方面的情况我不大清楚。我觉得很可怕，捅破了一层玻璃纸之后我们双眼接纳的东西竟是这样不堪一击。我就有这样的经历，但我不悲伤，我愿意向别人提起，因为我活得无所畏惧。 高二的时候有几个男生问我，你上课的时候有没有幻想过什么，有没有因为幻想分过心。我的答案好像是没有，我骗他们了。我太爱做白日梦了，在课堂，在上班，在地铁，在公车，在路上，在一切能想的地方。但我想得东西95%都不能实现，这点比较残酷。但我还是想一些我希望发生的事情，然后这些事情到头来还是没有发生。我总是处于这种矛盾地近乎抓狂的处境里，总是有种被撕扯的疼痛感。 June 10 Prison Break: Not just a prison they have to breakEscaping from the dreadful cage is not like a knife through butter. It’s a tug of war between schemes, power and human nature. Breaking the prison may be only the first step forward to the destination. Mind the peeping snakes hiding in the grass along the road. It’s doomed to be a typical version of justice-and-evil showdown. After all, the problem is not which side will wave the triumph flag, but how to win this pitched battle.
All the unexpected complications weave into an utterly captivating story, which extend the timeline and bag more stimulation. In the story, both sides rack their brains to keep their benefits intact. In order to tip the balance in their favor, they have to go to absurd lengths, including taking a heavy toll of many innocent people’s lives. Both sides are matching wits and contemplating which pieces should place in the massive chessboard in the next. You scrap my backs and I scrap yours. But interesting enough, they don’t have the clear mind what their opponents are. It’s really a torturing cat-and-mouse game.
Michael Scofield steeled himself to risk breaking prison when it dawned on him that his brother Lincoln Burrows had helped him all along with borrowed money yet kept him in the dark. He felt it was he that accounted for his brother’s unfortunate position. When he walked in a bank and pointed his gun to the teller pretending to be a desperate robber, the whole rescue-and-struggle story was unfolded.
It should have been a bumpy road only paved for the two brothers to trek through. However, as the plot thickens, more and more people are netted and more and more lives are potentially at stake. In Fox River, it’s definitely unwise for you to take things as they are. Many prisoners stay behind bars not out of the evil and deliberate intentions, but because they have no alternative. Everyone has his own cause in life that tastes bitter. Like an invisible gun pointing at his temple, the pressure of hard circumstances falls on everyone’s shoulders and they’re stuck in dire straits. Eventually, they act against his will, reluctantly, and get what they deserve. It sounds a little poignant. They aspire to climb over the wall and breathe the outside fresh air not just on the ground of sheer freedom. They have endearing relatives behind their backs, serving as a pulling string that renders them eager to get out. They won’t be brought to the realization that they are in trouble until they feel the tug of another string. If they can’t make it and are caught red-handed, more terms of imprisonment are waiting in line to scare them. They still take the risk, however, maybe the hopes burying in their heart land are great enough to break through the earth.
I’m watching Prison Break with bated breath till the end. The script writing is stunningly perfect. Wentworthmiller act out a stoical and intelligent man who cherish fraternity. Waiting for the next season will be an agonizing course, but I'm waiting in great anticipation. Hope it'll not let me down. April 01 Review: Paradise Now(Highly Recommended)
Paradise Now (2005) Directed by Credited cast: Faith and Fear The movie stopped, all of a sudden. My equilibrium is upset, with heart inexplicably wrenched. Said’s resolute eyes still linger in my mind. White credits are rolling by against the black background, with no sound. I take the silence as a poignant lament for the people who are dying from the cause of justice. And maybe it was. Fear is an innate emotion, and I believe that no one will be totally fearless on his deathbed. Once designated by the devil, the dying man will at least tremble, sob and sigh. A sense of pain will creep in and eat away his sanity. However strong it is, religious faith can hardly pull him out of the abyss of despair. In Paradise Now, Said and Khaled are right under such circumstances. Said and Khaled were childhood friends, both living a humdrum life in West Bank in Palestine. The two mediocrities would have been swallowed up by the turbulent world and stayed unnoticed for a lifetime if they hadn’t been chosen as the suicide bombers. Equipped with fuses and bombs and wrapped up in decent suits, they were set on the path to self-destruction. However, the separation of the two bombers shattered the perfection of the scheme. After a series of struggles and reflections, Said headed for the heaven while Khaled withdrew. Said’s father used to collaborate with the enemies and was executed when Said was only 10 years old. It undoubtedly cast a shadow on Said’s later choice. By comparison, Khaled was more talkative and less determined. Before they died, they had to say the last words in front of a camera to leave commemorative footage. Pausing for a moment, Khaled suddenly blurted out “Mum, the water filters in XX are better than those in XX. I forgot to tell you.” Such detail is too touching to be missed out. It will make you smile. But it’s only a brief smile. After that a sense of bitterness and sadness will take over, setting you pondering on the meaning of those suicide bombers’ lives. Reprisal breeds reprisal. I wonder how many more innocent people will get their undeserved ending as the hatred roll on. The alarming frequency of the appearance of suicide bombers on TV made us immune to the ghastly violence. The image of the faith-inspired suicide bombers is stereotyped: They’re blindly devoted, dreadfully stubborn and quite reckless of their own lives. They’re brought up to believe that participating in a holy crusade is worthwhile to be proud. They attach little importance to their flesh bodies which seem to be the puppets of Allah. Seeing this movie, I begin to reconsider the stereotyped impression ingrained in my mind for so long. Hardly have we walked into their lives and probed into their innermost. Religion is an off-limits zone for me, so I’d rather put all the issues under the category of religion and stop deliberating deep on that. But now, I was brought to the realization that they have faith and they have fear, too. Islam is not always a dose of anesthesia to the Palestinian people. They’ll also go all weak at the knees when appointed to be the suicide bombers. They’ll also raise suspicion at the nature of sacrifice and waver in courage and resolution. Death is a pair of spectacles, rendering you clear about human beings’ dormant fragility. From Khaled’s trembling feet, I feel strongly that the image of suicide bombers is so true to life. They’re not hero statue lacking vitality. They’re men with hot blood running. With fear seeping through their moves and thoughts, they become complete as a man. Maybe Paradise Now is a movie of dull sermons. Maybe the unfinished ending will frustrates some audience. Maybe it’s not a delicately presented work. Or maybe, you’ll be enchanted by this independent small-budget film from a Palestine perspective, rather than a Hollywood blockbuster. |
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